I’m 99% sure I know my killer is me… eventually as my spine falls apart and suffering massively increases with time. And I’m okay with that so long as it is my choice. When people talk about suicide, I strongly believe in the saying, “no permanent solutions for temporary problems.” But I strongly believe in this saying from both perspectives, aka “permanent solutions are your personal choice that I fully respect as an unalienable human right, if you choose, due to permanent problems.” Anyone trying to steal such an unalienable human right from another is exceptionally ignorant of the magnitude of potential suffering and is criminally sadistic as far as I’m concerned.

When I was a kid I told a Special Ed teacher who I trusted that one of the gym teachers was having sex with high school students and grooming girls as young as 14.

Rather than report this to the authorities he told the gym teacher what was said. The next day the gym teacher (who was a big former semi-pro football player or something like that) cornered me and intimidated me into shutting my mouth.

2 years later a former student confronted the gym teacher’s wife. In the fallout his behavior came to light and he left our school and went to teach a few towns over. The Special Ed teacher joked about it after the fact.

It was probably 20 years before I fully understood the scope of how disgusting that situation was.

When I was younger, I believed that if a woman was raped, it was her fault for what she was wearing. My highschool friends called me the most unempathetic person they’d ever met and I was proud of that.

Thankfully I’ve turned right around on all that and learned empathy. I’m ashamed for my younger self, but I know they were just doing the best they could with the very few tools they were given.

I do a band count before I start peeing into the toilet….

“A-one, a-two, a-one-two-three-four!” peeeeeeeeeeeee

I then usually start singing a tv show theme song like Happy Days as I keep the flow going. Disturbed yet?

I spend time on google maps just browsing, learning where different places are in the world.

One time someone put a blurred out map showing their location and I knew exactly where they were.

I promise never to use this power for evil.

I was lucky to have survived having gone my first 5 years of life with a heart valve that was back bleeding.

I also cannot tell when I’m having a ear infection unless liquid comes oozing out. I have had some many in my life that they just don’t hurt at all.

I ate my twin in the womb.

I don’t know if it’s scary, but in the absolute core of my existence i just need my life to stop sooner rather than later.

I’ve always been a bit suicidal leaning but when i was stopped i never had the courage to try again.

Every single day my mind tells me “would’ve been better if you did, it’s all a big shitshow anyway” it never misses a day. I keep telling myself to not listen to it but i do agree.

I had a certain circumstance a couple yeara ago where i was close to dieing and it brought me peace…i felt calm and became accepting of what was to come (despite the intense pain). Wife calles an ambulance which they refused to send as we were too calm for it to be believable, so we took a taxi and that’s when they got to see the pain i was in and realized time was running out quick.

Bla bla bla etc etc, i got sent home a while later and the same pain returned…excruciating bone wrenching all encompassing pain and all my mind had to add was: “if this is real, just go to sleep and you won’t have to wake up again”.

And i did, despite this absolute tormenting pain i fell asleep so peacefully and convinced of it all ending…it was such a relief.

But i woke up after…shit.

That’s the darkest corner of my existence.

In a religious church/school I attended, we had a “revival” week in which kids took to destroying their “secular” CDs, etc. It became sort of a game of oneupmanship mixed with a dash of Satanic Panic. You could brag in chapel about it and get kudos, look good in front of everyone. One pre-teen/young teenage girl went home and put her Ouija board in a tub of gasoline and lit it. She barely survived, spent months in the hospital, and was never the same, obviously. The adults then comforted themselves by telling everyone that she had seen red eyes in the flames. It was for the best, you see, the Ouija board did indeed have a demon inside. After, she got really into Marilyn Manson, wearing all black, etc. so they cast her as the evil kid to feel even better, I guess.

The end.

Did I do it right? Did I do good?

I dont always look both ways before crossing the street at a cross walk…

Edit: Ya’ll it was a joke. Thank you for the concern!

almost blew myself up for good after a pistol flare exploded half a meter from my face.
went to the ER with superficial burns on my left hand and hearing damage that still rears its ugly head out to this day.
each time i think about that moment i realise that if i had been in any other position when that flare blew up i probably wouldn’t be here today

I once walked around for two days with a piece of someone else’s bone stuck in my thumb.

My ideal partner would have exactly identical personality to me.

In highschool I would regularly imagine a “perfect crush” during bus rides. In my last year I had that “damn I was an edgy asshole during middle and highschool” moment and I wanted to change.

So since my friend group is also jerks like me I just started imitating that imaginary person until “fake it til you make it” kicked in.

Everything from my sense of humour to taste in music changed over time. I even became a slightly bit more feminine when I used to be hardcore Matt Walsh fan until this point.

I also got hobbies I just thought looked attractive like Archery. I got into computers because this.

My lungs are 21 years older than I am. My new lungs were put in using a clamshell incision and arching my back… don’t look it up if you’re squeamish, it’s pretty scary looking

I underwent a total dickectomy