Instructions unclear, I’ve pulled and turned the red thingies with “1” and “2” and “APU” written on them, now it says “Airspeed low” and the the steering wheel is shaking. What do I do now, please send instructions urgently.
Push it.
Twist it.
Bop it.
I’m about to have dinner, but I’ll be back as soon as I’m done, I swearsies
Ok, first take a deep breath and calm down. Airspeed low is a good thing, you need to take this slowly! If the shaking of the steering wheel bugs you too much, they are adjustable, you just need to push it away from you.
Now one of the biggest dangers to planes flown randomly around the sky is other planes, so you need to get on the radio with air traffic control and request permission to crash and they can give you a clear vector from your current position to a suitable crash site.
If you’re lucky, there will be a nearby deserted island, in which case surviving the crash will make a much more interesting story than a plane crashing on a deserted island and everyone dying (or maybe the island will be purgatory or something and you really did die, or maybe purgatory will be a version where you didn’t crash… Be prepared to be very confused, especially since you won’t get to see any of the flashbacks that gives context to everyone who will lie about everything, even stupid shit like miraculously being able to walk again or other things that would be cool to talk about).
Oh, that is unless you’re one of the few adults on a plane full of kids, in which case, sorry, you’re fucked.
Few additions:
- “reverse thrust” → “slow down (after you land)”
- (at foot pedals) “Push both to brake (after you land), push one or the other to turn”
- “go fast” → “go fast (keep levers together)”
- “keep it above the ground” → “keep it above the ground, but not too high”
- (at IAS indiciator) “how fast you’re going”, “keep between 170 and 400, lower to 140 when landing”
- “make wings bigger” → “make wings bigger, required when taking off or landing”
Some more practical tips.
- if the autopilot is engaged, you can’t physically move the wheels, because it is moving them for you. Press the red button on the steering wheel to disconnect autopilot.
- That IAS tape on the left of the sky/ground box is the most important thing on the plane. It’s got red bands on the high side and low side that you should stay out of.
- if the plane tells you there’s a “stall, stall” you need to push the wheels forward to make the nose go down. And keep the speed above that lower red band.
- the black button on the wheel is the push-to-talk to talk on the radio, or maybe the internal PA system. Depends how it’s set up.
- most important: the switch for the “fasten seatbelt” sign is usually on the bottom of the top panel. You can flip it on and off as much as you want. (Older planes will also let you do this with the “no smoking” sign).
if the autopilot is engaged, you can’t physically move the wheels, because it is moving them for you.
I’m pretty sure on newer 737s the autopilot disconnects when it detects a sufficient physical force on the yoke. But yeah the button is easier and safer.
most important: the switch for the “fasten seatbelt” sign is usually on the bottom of the top panel. You can flip it on and off as much as you want. (Older planes will also let you do this with the “no smoking” sign).
Gee, how the hell did everyone miss this? The most important control element.
I’m pretty sure on newer 737s the autopilot disconnects when it detects a sufficient physical force on the yoke.
On airplanes that don’t do this, the autopilot servos are clutched so that you can still override them by applying a specified amount of force. There are reinforced points on the bottom of the dash panel that you can use with your foot to get leverage to help with this.
(This also applies as a backup on planes that do disconnect)
“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your stewardess speaking… We regret any inconvenience the sudden cabin movement might have caused, this is due to periodic air pockets we encountered, there’s no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you enjoy the rest of your flight… By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?”
Fly? Yes.
Land? No.
“That’s not flying, that’s falling with style!”
Me playing GTA.
Surely you can’t be serious.
It’s big and white with a red stripe - it’s like a big Tylenol!
More coffee Johnny
No thanks!
All I need is “Danger Zone” playing and some aviator sunglasses.
Super important to know where the radio is, cause I’m gonna want to listen to some nice chill songs while I soar through the air towards certain death cause I don’t know how to fly a plane but the guy behind me kept kicking my chair so I yelled “If you don’t stop kicking my chair, I swear to god, I am turning this plane around!” and he didn’t stop so I had to do it to save face.
Used to do code for those sims. Funny things is, you can ignore like 90% of the stuff in there in there cuz most of it has an auto setting.
I know how to drive sick. I got this. /s
Dejavu theme intensifies
Me flipping on reverse thrust and parking brake before touching the ground in FSX because I’m like 100 kts above the landing speed
What does “make wings bigger” actually do?
Extends the flaps, i.e. makes the chord of the wing longer making it able to be more effective at lower airspeed. (takeoff and landing).
The flaps are retracted at cruise to make the wing more efficient at cruise.
Is it separate from the ailerons?
Ailerons are for imparting roll.
Flaps and slats are not for steeringI believe the ailerons are on the outside half of the wing, and the flaps are on the inside half (toward the fuselage)
Music is my aeroplane.
It’s my aeroplane.
Songbird sweet and sour Jane,
And music is my aeroplane,
It’s my aeroplane.
If it has autopilot and autobrakes, surely all those other buttons aren’t needed?
They are needed, and don’t call me Shirley.
Pff.
Just caption an Airbus. Assuming you’re in flight, you just need the buttons to engage cat III auto landing, make wings bigger, make wheels stick out, and brakes after you land.
Hopefully just activate ILS. There’s no way you wouldn’t be diverted to an airport that doesn’t require a Cat III landing, even a IIIA is stupid dangerous for a trained crew. iirc you only have a 1-2 second correction window for any Cat III landing where the ILS cuts out, compared to something like 8-10 for a Cat I (which is plenty of time for an amateur that’s been coached on the procedure to do a missed landing then give it back to the autopilot, that’s super easy). Plus the number of airports that can even do just a Cat II at least used to be pretty low (150 in the US?), and Cat III rated airports are even fewer (I dont think there’s double digits that can do a IIIB, and afaik there’s still none in the world rated for IIIC…)
(edit: came off more aggro than I meant, changed wording so I sound like less of a dick!)
I like your funny words, flying person. Keep 'em coming.
I like pleasure spiked with pain so yeah
It’s my aeroplane
Which one’s the seat warmer?
Removed by mod
You know what? You’re absolutely right.
People: please leave flying 737s to trained experts with the know-how, FAA licensure, and medical clearance. They know better than you even if you think you can do it from a meme.
It’s very important that you not touch ANY of the buttons and dials on a 737. People could get hurt or even die if you do.
You just saved countless lives by clarifying this🙏🙏🙏 (i was about to steal one)
Chill, it’s just a shitpost.
BTW, a regular person can likely fly and land a 737 with some basic ATC instructions, there have been multiple experiments demonstrating this (in a simulator). A guide like this would be immensely helpful in that situation.
Set autopilot to fly approach -> activate ILS. Besides the radio there’s essentially no other controls you would need to touch in an emergency (landing gear (if not handled by ILS), autobrake, engine stop, parking brake, door controls), and it’s very easy (by design) for the tower to talk you through the settings to do that. This meme is more than enough to familiarize you with the basic control locations in case you need to make an adjustment based off tower instructions, but at the same time buddy chill TF out it’s a meme.
(note that realistically it would never be you-a-passenger doing this, it’d be one of the cabin crew)
If it’s a newer 737, it is already a very expensive wreck.
