Brought the entire office’s network speeds to effectively 0 by using Symantec Ghost to send image a laptop. They wouldn’t bother giving me a dedicated router or static IPs to use so I just used the hub and global broadcast it to 255.255.255.255.

After that happened a couple times, I got a router and they even gave my my own subnet for the computer lab.

Dropped two kilograms of flour.

I once was preparing to have a calm wine night with my friend but somehow managed to break the neck of the bottle when trying to take the cork out. Blood went everywhere, and I started to get dizzy. My friend was shocked, amused, and amazed by my strength all at the same time. I believe she mentioned The Hulk at some point. We didn’t get a single drop of wine. I was given orange juice and asked to rest. All of this happened when I was completely sober by the way. I have never gotten close to repeating that again and, to this day, still don’t fully understand how it happened in the first place

I need to set the scene first: Me, about 12-13 years ago, on the surface looking like a respectable career and family man, pillar of the community…Behind the scenes slowly falling apart, trapped in an abusive marriage, a job I hated more and more each day, and told that I had to keep the happy face on for the sake of everyone else.

And one day I just fucking imploded. Left for work one morning like normal, halfway there I threw my phone out the window and decided I was done. I remember driving and driving, stopping a few times for food or just to get out of the car and meander…but I had no real direction, started to panic about the possibility of going back to hell or staying lost out here. I blacked out.

Apparently my car ran out of gas and I ditched it. I was told when they (they being the cops) found me I was several states away, couldn’t remember my name, was talking nonsense, and was covered in my own filth. I was involuntarily committed and when my wife tried to visit me I tried to attack her, told her I wanted her dead, that she better never come near me again. That was the last I ever saw of her or our kids. My dad had no idea how to handle this so he just decided to treat me like I was dead and sold off most of what I owned, and at the time I was too inside out to care. I was in and out of psych wards for the better part of three years.

So yeah, destroyed a family, a home, my career and reputation, and caused a ruckus in a sleepy little rural shit town. I did get better…much better, and I’m happier and more together than I’ve ever been, but that’s the boring part of the story.

I drained an entire airplane’s fuel tank onto the hangar floor once. Wasn’t really ready to mop up 26 gallons of avgas.

Both involving One of these

First time my manager was micromanaging me what buttons to press, so I did a malicious compliance and let him make me spill around 150kg of honey on the floor.

Second time I tried teaching a new lad how to work it, and he insisted that I shut up and leave him to it because he knows how to do it because hes not thick and it was pretty insulting that I thought he was that thick. Just stood back and casually watched him spill 2 tons of beef and blood all over the floor.

Neither one was properly my fault, but I deliberately did nothing to stop either one and laughed inside the whole way.

I was trying to move a job site, well seasoned porta-potty with a Bobcat. I should have strapped it to the forks……….

I married a bipolar woman. Those were 3 interesting years.

I accidentally set a model home on fire when I was 12 while trying to burn bugs with a magnifying glass. Not a toy model, but like the house they show buyers to get a sense of the layout of the house they would have built.

As a young child I got up early and decided that I would cut my own hair as a gift to my parents.

The big problem was the small mirror in the kitchen was too high so I was jumping, snip, jump, snip, etc.

When complete I went up to wake them to show them their “gift”.

I still remember the look on my mother’s face. I couldn’t understand why she was horrified hahaha.

Edit: I just remembered another little detail… She took me to the hairdresser’s as soon as possible and when the lady asked if I’d cut my own hair I was like “how did you know???” Lol

Managed to topple a big oil drum of waste oil in my dad’s garage. I was 5 or so, and I was wearing a brand new winter outfit. It was light blue.

My dad was doing something, and was talking to someone who had stopped by. And this being on a moderately large farm, I always found something to do. 99.9% of the time, this was not a problem, as there wasn’t much that could physically maim me other than stuff my parents obviously watched out for.

However, I’ve never managed to reach any higher levels of cimedic timing in my life, and I doubt anyone else could either. The visitor asked my dad where I was at, knowing I was usually in the immediatevicinity. Upon hearing “around here somewhere”, they were concerned that I was kind of unsupervised. “There’s not a whole lot of bad stuff he can do” my dad said, just around the time when they heard the sound of something large falling over, combined with my excited cheer. I was a crafty little shit, and I somehow understood the concept of leverage.

That was 38ish years ago. I still remember the smell. My brand new winter clothes weren’t blue after that.

factory I worked at, I snapped a bearing rod on an injection machine.

it was made of steel, about 16 inches in diameter, about 18ft long, and cost around $1.5 million to replace.

complete accident, required a mandatory one week off (no pay) while they investigated if it was due to negligence or just routine wear and tear.

it took them six months to get a new one and cost the company close to $100 million on lost revenue on top of the cost of the part.

Changed clutch plates on my motorcycle, but I assembled it wrong. And the clutch wouldn’t disengage.

I was thinking surely it’s just stuck together …let me slam it in gear and pull the throttle.

Lucky that i put the front wheel was against a wall, the bike did a burnout pulling all of the linoleum off the floor on to a big pile.

I flooded a dormitory once, but I blame building maintenance for tricking me into it.

I wake up and head to the bathroom. Turn on the shower, nothing happens. Try the sink, still no water. No advance notice to the residents, but the water must have been shut off for some reason. I have a class to go to, so I turn everything “off”, get dressed, and leave. I’d forgotten that one of the sink knobs was threaded the opposite way from the standard convention, so that one was full on when the water was restored. Came back to the dorm after lunch and realized exactly what I’d done as soon as I entered the hallway and saw the maintenance man running his shop-vac outside my room. It overflowed the sink drain, and the bathroom floor drain, flowed through the dorm room, and was in the process of flooding the hallway.

Mine is probably the same both physically and metaphorically!

Almost cut my finger off with my dad’s table saw when I was four. Ran through the house screaming and spurting blood everywhere.

I still remember my thought process: I was trying to see how close I could get my finger to the spinning blade without touching it. I don’t know what success was supposed to look like here.