For years now whenever I submit bookings for potted plants/floral at work, there is an entry down toward the very bottom that reads “Flowering Planter 7in Ass” and it gets me every time.

Carbon nanotubes are real? I thought that shit was invented for upgrades and repairs in No Man’s Sky…

How are all these fucking idiots still confused that disliking the Israeli government has fuck all to do with disliking Jews? Do they know this, and just choose to make it about something more?

Word is that it’s actually really hard to obtain Morbius, as Glorious Leader checks out the only copy nearly every single week.

Imagine your local movie ninja leaves you the portable DVD player beneath the usual log at the edge of town. You bundle it up inside of your goods and inconspicuously bring it home. That night you gather your husband and three children to partake in the wonder that is western cinema. You blow out a few candles and remove a small brick from the hearth, retrieving the portable player from within and popping in your two counterfeit Enjerjizer D-cell batteries. There in the gloom of your commonspace the disc whirrs to life, and the gentle glow of the Morbius menu screen illuminates the faces of your awe-stricken children. It is like magic.

The following afternoon you kneel solemnly in the town square, looking down at their bodies. The distant croon of a raven can be heard.

“모비우스 재미있게 보셨나요?”, the stern-faced soldier asks, the barrel of his pistol planted firmly at the base of your skull. “나는 닌자에게 내일 가져오라고 부탁했습니다.”

It’s the last thing you ever hear.

Looks like all that evil he put into the world finally paid off.

The other day I saw an older man wearing a MAGA hat riding around in the back of a convertible. Interestingly enough, I live in Canada.

It’s times like those that make me fantasize about having some kind of stealth paintball shooter or mustard launcher on the side of my vehicle.

You have to really lean in on the words to properly express your italicized voice. You almost have to sound like an asshole. Like a somewhat sarcastic asshole…

Kick his ass, Seabass!

The Latino community should start busting up piñatas of his image. Fill them with McDoubles.

Timmy, go to your fuckin room…

Yeah, the arbitrary cash amounts in these would you memes are always a little goofy, as if the creator thinks 30-billion is so high that anyone seeing it will start screaming “YAAASSSS GIRL!!” no matter what the challenge. 100-million would be just as effective to the average person. Maybe even 10-million if your wealth aspirations are not to buy a golden palace with twelve Lamborghinis and a rocket pad.

The evil trinity of American excellence:

• Healthcare System

• Banking System

• Temperature Units

I didn’t know just how fucked up it all was until I moved to Canada.

That’s such a neat trick…

I worry about those who are thicker than 7 inches. That might cause some Cloverfield Paradox shit, where your innards wind up fuzed with a door. Skinny folks only.

I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I go around kissing ants.

I feel like the days of pearl clutching over profanity are on their way out. There is always a time and a place for it, but I grew up hearing “fuck” come out of my drunken relatives every other word. My parents didn’t say it, and they didn’t let me say it, but the only real weight the word ever had was that it was cool and exclusive to adults.

One of the biggest culture shocks I had when moving from the US to Canada was how much more laid back everyone is up here over profanity in general. Almost everyone uses it, very few people (save for maybe the elderly) get uppity when they hear it, and I’ve heard it used freely on FM radio many times. I still think it’s trashy to fly a FUCK TRUDEAU flag or decal on your car for everyone to see, but nobodies up here clutching pearls. They just think you’re a dick.

Not sure why it’s still such a big deal in many parts of the US.